I've been noticing things about myself that I'm not sure I've ever really noticed before... at least not through the same lens as I'm seeing them now.

I think they've always been there. I just never stopped and really thought about these things long enough to connect the dots.

Interestingly, I have The Clearfield County Chronicles to thank for that.

When my friend Jennifer and I first took on the project, I knew I'd enjoy its history aspect. I've always loved local history, old photographs, forgotten stories, and the little details that somehow never make it into the history books. I knew that part would be fun.

What I didn't expect was how much I'd enjoy the people.

Over the past few months, we've spent time in living rooms, museums, and around kitchen tables listening to people tell stories about Clearfield County. Sometimes we go in with one question and end up talking for two hours. One story leads to another, then another, and before you know it, you're hearing about someone's grandfather, a one-room schoolhouse, a neighborhood that's long since disappeared, or a moment they haven't thought about in decades.

Those moments are my favorite.

I love watching someone realize that what they thought was "just an ordinary story" is actually something we want to hear... something worth preserving. I love seeing their face light up as they remember another detail. I love asking one question that opens the door to ten more.

Every time I left one of those interviews, I drove home thinking, "That was so much fun!" while a highlight reel plays in my head on a loop.

And then I get home and it's almost like someone quietly unplugged my battery. 

Then for the next day or so, I don't really feel like talking to anyone. I want a quiet house. I'll make sure my sweet dogs are taken care of, I do whatever absolutely has to be done, and then I'm perfectly content with an audiobook, a good historical novel, or one of the old British mystery shows I've been working my way through.

For the longest time, I would feel guilty about that. There was always that little voice telling me I should be doing something more productive. The laundry wasn't folded. The kitchen wasn't as clean as it could be. There were emails waiting for replies. Surely I should be doing something.

It hadn't occurred to me to question whether those quiet days were actually serving a purpose. And then a little light bulb went on... I wrote a little bit about this before right here. 

What if they weren't lazy days? What if they were recovery days? Those questions opened a door I didn't even know was there.

Since I first started asking those questions and wrote that blog, I've started noticing all kinds of other things like that. Things I've done for years without ever really thinking about them. Like, I replay conversations in my head after they're over. Sometimes I wonder if I explained something well enough (or too much!) or if I should have said something differently. I analyze it all and come up with a list of things I decide I should have said.

Before "important" conversations, especially if I anticipate confrontation, I'll even rehearse in my mind. I'll imagine what the other person might say, think about how I'll respond, then imagine a completely different version of the conversation - just in case. Of course, my imagination hardly ever gets it right and my well-rehearsed answers are rarely called upon. That doesn't stop me from doing it though.

I'm noticing how often I have to consciously remind myself to make eye contact. I notice who's feeling left out and I pay attention to the mood in a room more than I ever realized. 

None of those things feel difficult while they're happening. Honestly, I enjoy them. I love meeting people. I love hearing their stories. I love making connections. But I'm starting to wonder if all those little things happening quietly in the background take more energy than I realized. Is that why I seem to need "decompression days" after a string of days with great interactions with people? Is that one reason I feel so exhausted?

I'm not writing this because I've figured something out. If anything, I've realized how many things I've simply accepted about myself without ever asking why... how much I could probably start figuring out - or at least understanding better.

Maybe there's nothing unusual about any of this. Maybe everyone does these things or at least maybe lots of people do. 

I wonder if we all have our own little patterns that we've never stopped to notice because they've always just felt... normal. At any rate, what I'm discovering is that curiosity feels a whole lot kinder than self-criticism.

Instead of assuming something is wrong with me or that everyone experiences the world exactly the way I do, I'm learning to simply notice. To ask questions. And to be curious.

I have a feeling this won't be the last time I write about some of these observations. In fact, I suspect I'm just getting started connecting the dots.

So now I'm curious...

Especially if you can relate to 1) having to consciously remember to make eye contact, 2) to replaying and analyzing conversations after the fact, or 3) to needing to retreat and have quiet time after "people-ing," I want to hear about it. 

Tell me I'm not the only one.