As someone who is just weeks into navigating the loss of my husband, I can tell you that grief is a strange, unpredictable thing.
I came into this expecting to feel sad—and I absolutely do. I cry about everything... and nothing. I feel sad in ways I didn’t know were possible.
But what I didn’t expect was the moments where I feel… okay. Or even happy. And let me tell you, that’s confusing.
How can I cry in the morning and laugh with my grandkids in the afternoon? How can I feel a deep, unrelenting ache one day and a fleeting sense of peace the next? I’m still figuring it out, but I’m realizing that grief isn’t linear, and it’s not one-dimensional.
Grief is this messy, complicated blend of emotions that often show up all at once. I can feel devastated by my loss while still enjoying a favorite TV show or appreciating a quiet moment with a friend. And I'm beginning to understand that it's okay.
I came into this expecting to feel sad—and I absolutely do. I cry about everything... and nothing. I feel sad in ways I didn’t know were possible.
But what I didn’t expect was the moments where I feel… okay. Or even happy. And let me tell you, that’s confusing.
How can I cry in the morning and laugh with my grandkids in the afternoon? How can I feel a deep, unrelenting ache one day and a fleeting sense of peace the next? I’m still figuring it out, but I’m realizing that grief isn’t linear, and it’s not one-dimensional.
Grief is this messy, complicated blend of emotions that often show up all at once. I can feel devastated by my loss while still enjoying a favorite TV show or appreciating a quiet moment with a friend. And I'm beginning to understand that it's okay.
The Duality of Grief
This duality—the ability to feel sad and okay at the same time—is something I never thought about before. I assumed grief was this heavy, dark blanket you wore every day until, eventually, you didn’t. But instead, it feels more like an unpredictable wave. One moment, you’re drowning in it. The next, you’re floating along and the sun is shining.
The tricky part? Those moments of sunshine can feel… wrong. Like maybe I shouldn’t be okay. Maybe I should constantly be feeling sad, crying harder, or missing him more. But the truth is, the okay moments don’t erase the grief; they exist alongside it.
Why the Duality Feels So Confusing
If you’re anything like me, you might struggle with guilt when those moments of “okayness” show up. It’s as if feeling anything other than sadness somehow diminishes the love you had for the person you lost. But that’s absolutely not true.
What I’m learning is that grief is not about staying in one emotional state—it’s about holding space for each of them. The sadness doesn’t go away just because you laughed at a joke or enjoyed your morning coffee. It’s still there, but so is the capacity to find slivers of light in the darkness.
What I’m learning is that grief is not about staying in one emotional state—it’s about holding space for each of them. The sadness doesn’t go away just because you laughed at a joke or enjoyed your morning coffee. It’s still there, but so is the capacity to find slivers of light in the darkness.
Embracing Both Sides of Grief
So how do you manage this emotional rollercoaster? I don’t have all the answers (or even most of them), but here’s what I’m trying:
• Let the emotions come as they are. If I feel like crying, I cry. If I feel like laughing, I laugh. Both are part of the process, and neither diminishes the other.
• Write it down. Journaling and blogging have been lifesavers for me. Writing has helped me sort through my feelings and realize it’s okay to feel a hundred different things in a day. I wrote about writing my way through emotions in this past blog.
• Talk to someone. Whether it’s a trusted friend, a therapist, a religious mentor/leader, or a fellow griever, sharing feelings out loud can help make sense of them. Even if you feel like you're simply rambling on, talking is gonna help.
• Lean into your faith while working through a Bible study. A sweet friend of mine, Tammy Wood, created a beautiful Bible study that I recommend called "When Faith and Grief Collide" as part of her Wild Flower, You Are Loved Reflections Bible Study series. I'm working through it right now and it's helping me tremendously. You can find it at www.wildflower-youareloved.com
• Be kind to yourself. This can be the toughest one for me. I’m learning to give myself permission to feel whatever I’m feeling, without judgment or guilt. And without giving a thought to what my grief looks like to anyone else. Slowly, recognizing those moments of peace and "okayness" is not as unsettling to me as it had been.
A Moment of Reflection
The other day, I found myself smiling while looking through some old photos of Eric on my phone. At first, I felt guilty—how could I smile when he’s not here? But then I realized that the smile didn’t mean I wasn’t grieving. It meant I was remembering the love and fun times we shared, and that’s definitely something worth smiling about. From here on out, I'm going to intentionally lean into these moments as a source of comfort.
Grief is a testament to the depth of our love and the resilience of the human spirit.
Grief is anything but straightforward. It weaves together moments of sadness, joy, guilt, and even relief in ways that can feel very confusing. But as I’m learning, this duality is not something to fear or cause feelings of guilt. It’s a testament to the depth of our love and the resilience of the human spirit.
If you’re grieving and finding yourself smiling in one moment and crying in the next, know that you’re not alone—and you’re not doing it wrong. Grief is messy, but it’s also a part of healing, one step and one moment at a time. When you're feeling able, please share in the comments below any parts of your own experience that might help those of us who are going through something similar... we can all learn from each other.
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Knowing that it’s normal to be “happy when you’re sad” is a comfort.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.